Me and my big mouth…
I can’t tell you the last time I ended a conversation with a member of the human race and didn’t have remorse for something I said. I don’t know if it stems from something in my childhood (maybe I was told I talk too much?) or maybe my adulthood (was I publicly humiliated in college speech class?) or something else. For whatever reason, I second-guess nearly everything I say. This leads to a lot of self-depreciating talk and wonder of how things I say are taken. I frequently find myself tracking someone down to whom I have just spoken to apologize for being, well, me. At this point I have probably taken back more statements than I’ve actually made.
One thing that may have contributed to my current neurosis is my need to be understood; really, my need to make sure I’m not misunderstood. There’s a difference! I don’t consider myself a very needy person-I have my days, I’m sure, but on the whole, I don’t like to be “fussed” with. I’d rather dote on someone else than be the target of such affection. I guess I lump being “understood” in the category of being doted on (gee, honey, I guess those tapes you play at night must be working! 
). I just don’t want someone to misunderstand me or what I’ve said and be offended. Is that prideful? You know, I have never thought about it, but maybe it is. I’ll have to ponder that and write another post about what I conclude.
Anyway, this thought is fresh in my mind as I am thinking about how easy it is to offend someone. And how even harder it seems to undo an offense. I recently wrote a playful (I thought at the time) quip about a friend of mine (who I see as like a big brother) that uses rather elevated vocabulary in seemly mundane circumstances (much like I just did). Well, it always makes me laugh when I hear him talk this way (like an educated person?) and so I did a sort of mock- dialog between him and someone else and sent it off with lots of “smileys” and “haha”’s to the Facebook netherworld. Well, for days I heard nothing from anyone who may have seen or read my comments. I was beginning to think I had seriously stepped on some toes, and by the time I saw said-person about four days later I was convinced he had been deeply, irreversibly, wounded at the careless words I had uttered. Well, he and his wife both assured me that they weren’t offended and no feelings had been permanently damaged. I still felt the need to apologized profusely. :0)
I know God has worked on me in the area of my tongue. I used to struggle with gossip as a young adult, thinking that because something was true I had a right to tell others. Even under the guise of concern I would share information. Because God revealed to me this incredibly deceptive way of thinking and has grown me through it, I am extra sensitive to it now. It makes my heart just break to hear of or know of gossip being spread. I have learned in the hardest of ways that what I say sometimes just cannot be smoothed over. I have misaligned and misinformed too many people to mention-sometimes unintentionally and sometimes with complete intent and hardness of heart. I have asked and received forgiveness to those whom I am able, and pray that God will repair the hearts of those to whom I am unable. “Hind sight is always 20/20″, and had I to do again, I’d like to think I’d choose the admirable, honorable thing and keep what information I have been given to myself.
I think women rather than men struggle more so with controlling their tongue. We tend to attach our emotions to issues with super-glue and when these issues come up in conversation, there dangle our emotions-clinging to our every word- and very frequently distorting the true issues. I know I tend to add a little more “story” to my “telling” when I recount things (with no intent to deceive), but God is even addressing that in me. It is my true desire to be a woman of godly-character. As I age, I see controlling my tongue as one of the things that fill the chasm between where I was and where I want to be. It is a discipline that is necessary to be a godly woman. I simply cannot be careless with my words and expect my character and witness not to be affected.
It is hard to do- exorting our husbands and family with our words, respecting our elders and God-given authority in front of our children by how we speak of them, honoring others even when they aren’t there to hear it- but it is worth it! I will pray for you, my readers, if you will pray for me, as we seek to walk upright before a perfect, Holy God.
And if any of you catch me gossiping, slap me! Nicely, in love, though..:0)
